brain of neongolden

I haven’t written something reflective in a while, so buckle up, this is a long one!

It feels quite incredible looking at how much in my life has changed since 2010.

For one thing, I got my BSc, MSc and PhD! Three graduation ceremonies, with my family there every step of the way. And then a post-doc in Oxford (which still feels surreal at times…). I published papers! I learnt to code! I presented at conferences! I won awards! I taught undergrad students! There’s a million things I could beat myself up about, but right now I’m just gonna take a moment to celebrate all those achievements, most of which 20 year old me could not have imagined.

I left a relationship that was holding me back in so so many ways – from finding any peace with myself, to just generally growing as a person. I was so trapped and I couldn’t see it because I couldn’t see out of the confines of that relationship. I healed from all the damage that relationship did – not quickly and I don’t think fully until the last few years. I learnt to have much higher standards for the people in my life. I met Laurie – the most important person in my life – and I could write a whole novel about his impact on me. He has challenged the way I think, while giving me the space to be exactly who I am and grow as a person, and ultimately made me an immeasurably better person. He is someone I feel completely safe with and completely free with. I respect and trust and love him beyond words.

We’ve had a tonne of shit thrown at us – a lot is current and awful – but we’re stronger than ever, and when the time is right I cannot wait to marry him, in our own unique way.

(Bonus – his parents are incredible people!)

I’ve kept some of the very best friends I had from before 2010 – particularly my Sussex girls (wifey, Sarah, Turk, Henny) and Laura. I’ve watched them all grow into even more amazing people – and cried a ridiculous amount as one of them got married.

I’ve made some incredible new friends. Roberta, Aaron, Alex, Rita… You are all so special to me in different ways.

I started doing audio recordings on WhatsApp, to stay in touch with friends who I craved more of, and that has brightened my days immeasurably. I’ve got much better at being vulnerable and reaching out when I’m struggling.

And I’ve met so many many other wonderful people! Far too many to list.

I’ve also been deeply and horribly betrayed by people who I thought were my friends. And honestly, I’m still not really healed from that. That’s a work in progress. But the excellent friends I do have renewed my faith in people and I wholeheartedly trust in their loyalty and love.

I’ve spent so many happy times with my family – on holidays, over meals, at our infamous Gillespie summer parties – and every year I grow more and more thankful that I was lucky enough to be born into this amazing family.

I worked on a psychiatric intensive care unit.

I successfully helped lead campaigns against staff redundancies.

I moved house 6 times… One time due to arson (buy me a drink and I’ll tell you the story)

I lived in London, despite previously thinking I had zero desire to. And stayed in just the one flat for 4 years! And lived with some of the best (and worst…) housemates.

I dyed my hair for the first time! And then about a hundred times after that, finally settling on red hair, and I love it.

I was fortunate enough to travel to a tonne of new places – Porto, Stockholm, Copenhagen, Toronto, Las Vegas, Los Angeles, San Diego, Barcelona, Paris, Jerusalem, Rome, Florence, Berlin, Dublin, Edinburgh….

I danced a lot, hosted a lot of parties, went to a lot of bars, and did a lot of tequila shots…

I’ve eaten some of the most incredible food – some of which, I cooked!

Perhaps most importantly, a key thing I’ve learnt is the importance of the relationship you have with yourself – the importance of truly genuinely having an authentic compassionate love for yourself, even when you’re not fulfilling your goals – even when you’re totally fucking up. I am more at peace with myself than ever before – with who I am, what I need, my body, my strengths, my weaknesses. I’ve got a lot better at prioritising myself and what I need, and investing time in myself – and not in people who don’t deserve my energy. I am so far from perfect, but I deserve the very best I can give myself, the same way I strive to give the very best of myself to others. I don’t do either of those things perfectly either, but we are all works in progress. And deserve joy throughout that journey.

So what do I want, going forward into this next decade?

I want to keep being vulnerable, and push it even further. I want to get better at reaching out, even when I have nothing to give. I want to be wary about isolating myself when I get overwhelmed, while respecting that sometimes that is truly what I need to just focus on myself. I’d like to carve out the time and money to do some explorative therapy.

I want to continue having very high standards for the people in my life – while working to better understand when to have a zero tolerance approach, and when to leave space for growth and forgiveness. I want to keep finding joy and love in all the wonderful relationships that I have, and putting the very best of myself into keeping those relationships going. I want to keep expressing my appreciation for all the awesomeness that they bring to my life.

I want to keep learning and growing as a person. I want to keep experiencing new things, in all realms.

I’ve become so much more at peace with my body and have an infinitely healthier relationship with food than I could have ever imagined ten years ago. However, I don’t always take the time to feed myself regularly with nourishing food, and I want to prioritise that more – and what is nourishing to me, may not be nourishing to you! And that’s okay! I want to continue learning about what feeds me best, letting go of any toxic concepts from diet culture. I want to take time for lunch breaks. Every. Day. (Why does this feel like the hardest goal on this list to achieve??)

I also want to continue reducing the meat and other animal products I eat, and continue shifting the animal products I do buy to ones from more ethical sources – while balancing what is pragmatic for Laurie’s physical health and my mental health when restricting food.

I have loved discovering yoga and a morning swimming routine, and want to make time for that, in ways that serve me. I want to make sure I’m never letting my body hold me back from entering spaces I want to be in – particularly, I want to try some of the physical activities that I avoid because of fear of judgement. Strength training maybe? Dancing maybe? I want to keep challenging everyone’s ideas about fat women! I want to be even more vocal about it!

I want to burn the nice candles, use the fancy body wash, wear the expensive perfume – every day because life is short!

I want to wear more colour again. And push myself out of my clothing comfort zone even more!

I’m proud to say I’ve read 59 books this year! And I want to keep finding time for reading, and taking trips by myself to read, because I adore it. I considered setting goals to read certain types of books more – but fuck that, I’ll read what I enjoy! If I want something different, something challenging, something longer… I’ll read it. And if I want to read an exploration of complicated unlikeable characters, I’ll damn well read that. I will however stick to the strict rule set by my friend of not buying a new book until I’ve read three.

I don’t want to worry about whether people will like what I have to say, to worry about if expressing things that are important to me will make someone not like me. I want to continue speaking my mind more. Especially when it really matters.

I want to prioritise some boring but necessary adult things. I want to get savings. Day-to-day budgeting is fine, but I want be financially prepared for the unpredictability of life – so I need to get better at not taking an all-or-nothing approach to treating myself (I can buy one nice new dress when I get paid, not a bag full of bargains!). I don’t want to waste money on transport, when walking helps keep me sane.

But I also want to spend money on amazing experiences with amazing people, sometimes impulsively, because otherwise… what’s the point?

I want to look after my eye health and not wear contact lenses every hour of the day! I want to get on the flossing so I keep getting metaphorical gold stars from the dentist!

Rather annoyingly, I’ve discovered that I actually do pretty well going to bed early and getting up early. Ugh, how boring. So I want to give in to those early nights. (But also, suffer the consequences of those wonderful unplanned late nights).

I want to keep cooking delicious feasts for the people I love – every weekend that I’m home, ideally.

I want to stop drinking alcoholic drinks that I don’t really want, just because the social context dictates it.

Career wise… I would love to be gaining my own research funding by the end of the decade. But ultimately, I just want to be doing worthwhile science. That means being ambitious and driven, thinking of important questions and how we can answer them, and doing good work and getting it out there. It does not mean publishing for the sake of it, rushing projects and lowering my standards. I want to take the time to do some science really well, rather than take on to many projects and do them all poorly – for the sake of my sanity as well as the science! I want to take the time to read more of the great work out there being done, and learn from it – I want to find a way of prioritising this that works for me. I want to look at my publication list and be proud of the quality, not the quantity. And look at my achievements more broadly – how I’ve contributed to a lab, how I’ve taught, how I’ve mentored, how I’ve been a good colleagues, what skills I’ve developed, what attitudes I’ve changed. If doing all of that takes me up the career ladder, fantastic. If not, it wasn’t mean to be. If I’m in a job, doing worthwhile interesting work, with great colleagues and where my skills are being put to use – I’ll be satisfied.

Putting it out there – I’d love to contribute to some work on hormonal contraception and mental health. Because coming off the implant earlier this year has had such a hugely positive influence on my mental health that I almost can’t believe it, and I know I’m not alone in that.

I want to make sure I’m not perpetuating an ideal of being busy and overworked, however unintentional. I want to keep posting about the breaks I take. I want to reclaim my evenings, because working late messes up my sleep, meals, exercise, and time for loved ones – and I don’t mind sacrificing the odd weekend to do so. That works better for me. But I also should probably delegate more, let go of some things from my to-do list, and say no to more things that are asked of me.

I want to continue being more pro-active in taking time for my mental health. I want to make sure I’m taking enough quiet time whether that’s structured mindfulness, or just not having a podcast constantly on the go. I want to make sure I’m saying no to social invitations, when I need to prioritise myself. It’s okay to miss out or reschedule sometimes. I know I need a lot of structure – so many lists – and taking the time to stay on top of that is worthwhile. I want to carve out a little bit of time each day to think about what will best serve me, whether it’s a lazy evening, some disciplined work or a wild night out – maybe via a chat with a friend, maybe via a minute to myself.

I’ve really enjoyed developing a skincare routine and finding a look that works for me. And I do want to perfect the shade of hair dye I used and the curly girl method…. But otherwise, I want to let go of any other goals around how I look. I just simply don’t care enough. If I moisturise my legs more, save up for microblading, get smooth feet for once in my life or if I don’t…. *shrug*

Finally, I want to imminently do a big overhaul of my social media. I want to unfollow anyone who is just draining my time and energy. I’ve gradually posted less and less on Facebook and I’ll probably continue to do so – except for the occasional reflective or thoughtful posting, about myself or issues I think matter. I’d like to do that more. I spend far too much time scrolling on Twitter, without any clear gain so I want to make it work better for me – I want to shift to primarily using Twitter for academic things, limit my time, and either engage with discussion or log off. Instagram, I’ve gone through phases of posting more or less, and actually I kind of miss when I posted more. For a few years it was a lovely catalogue of memories (my phone photo gallery is a mess of way too much irrelevant shit)and then I felt slightly self-conscious about how much I posted, so I cut down to something more “curated”. Fuck that. I’m bringing back the random selfies and food pictures.

I thought about whether to add standard goals like owning a house, or some bucket-list experiences etc. But honestly – is that what will make the decade feel like a success? I’m sure there’ll be a tonne of other awesome things I achieve and experience, tonnes of tweaks to my life I make, and I’ll celebrate them as they come – but I’m not striving for them.